I'm outside on my front steps I'm almost positive I have a fever. I think this because I'm wearing a t shirt and sweating and it's November. My grandmother tells me the sun is good for my sore throat. The sun is making me feel worse than better but the serotonin is working for my well being. I also learned marble pound cake will put hair on my chest. Im out here with two generations of family members and countless old-wives tales.
My throat looks like gang green which makes me believe that I am not going to make out with anyone anytime soon. I'm positive of these things. A man is playing Frank Sinatra in his car while smoking a cigar. I'm listening to my mother and grandmother gossip about the neighbors. This is what the suburbs are all about.
I uploaded photos from last nights party/gang rape. I've decided that my "ray bans" do not make me look like a lady. I'm all about sequins, satin and lace these days. Self realization is the mother of ambition. Or intentions. Or life. I was being persuaded to sign up for okcupid again. Do you guys miss me there? I was going places in terms of doing work for the site.I've gotten past the withdrawals of it yet I feel like I'm betraying the purpose of this blog. I feel it's self destructive to continue down that path just for the sake of this blog and entertainment. If people want to play this out as a lifetime original movie where I'm going to turn my life around then so be it. Here's something to keep you going, I made out with someone I love Friday before Halloween and I still get emails from match.com telling me about my top matches of the day. They do go right to my trash bin since that contract is written in blood and my first born; I can't do anything to get rid of it.
I finally made it to the gym yesterday. It's so "like me" to work out when I'm on the verge of swine flu. At the risk of sounding whiny I will say; my abs hurt more than my throat and my butt hurts more than my head. I'm calling in sick tomorrow because I honestly can not see myself making it through the day at kings highway, then school and making it out alive.
I have gotten over any hope of any of my friends having money to go to Italy with me. My best friend Bee and I are meeting in Seattle instead. Then we will spend a few days in Portland Oregon because we need to get in touch with nature and documentations. She understands my need for substance in my life. Bee lives in Arizona where they do not believe in daylight savings time. I will blog about this when my head is capable of delievering correct information but until then heres a reliable source:http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7829863.
We're usually good at keeping up with the time difference I think it's two hours now.
There's a fine line between intention and following up. The intention for the day was to go to the gym. The reality was the only following up I did was put my gym bag into my trunk. Eventually one of two things will happen; one the elephant in the room (or trunk) will get to me and I will go to the gym -or- two my mother will open my trunk see the bag think I went to the gym left my dirty clothes in my trunk for weeks and will wash them. Im spoiled. The first scenario sounds so much better for me holistically.
I would like to start my telephone interviews again. I feel it will bring a whole new dimension to my blog. I should start to interview my passed relationships. It would definitely be more humor than closure. I don't need closure with men, I'm content in repeating events over and over again. You know like Piaget said, Tertiary Circular Reactions. I'm doing the same thing over and over but each wields its own results. After talking about all these men wouldn't it be nice to put a voice and first hand accounts to the stories? Or will this completely ruin everything? After all this is about me. Also, I feel like this has been done before. Maybe by someone who works for vice?
My bedroom is freezing and I feel like I may be coming down with something. Daniel, did you give me swine flu or has too much time gone by that it would have happened already? Not to say that anything wrong happened it would be an honor to catch swine flu from you. I'm not sure how I am feeling. A strange thing happened to me today; I woke up feeling attractive and now that I am home I feel like a fat ugly person. Maybe this is guilt of not going to the gym manifesting itself into my own self perception. What ever it is, it's a totally interesting phenomenon. I can't properly pronounce the word phenomenon with out thinking about it; a lot. My ex boyfriend used to make me say it often for his own amusement.
Back to Vice, I was one of those people who participated in the Live Psychick Tarot Reading with Todd Pendu. As you all know in September I visited a psychic in coney island who told me I was evil, I dwell on past events, my body will abort children and there's a darkness in my soul from tampering with evil shit. ALSO THAT I NEED TO FIND GOD. Apparently it's not enough to collect saint paraphernalia these days; i actually have to go to church. Ever since I saw Coney Island psychic, I am convinced she put a curse on me and my life has just been going down hill. I decided to ask Todd Pendu, Viceland psychic and what did I get? Affirmation!
Question:
"library_squirrel says:
Did that other psychic put a curse on me? Because now my life is fucked up since seeing her.
xoxo"
His answer:
library_squirrel: Now I’m going to break my yes or no
rule because this is kind of intriguing. I can’t answer about the
psychic but I can talk to you about your present disposition,
specifically feeling that there’s a curse. There is definitely some
darkness. You’re dwelling on the past instead of looking at a vibrant
chance to do something new for yourself. You have the capacity to
change that, to start new things. It’s going to require you to
literally reverse your train of thought.
This is exactly what the woman in Coney Island told me. Is it possible this person could possibly know anything about me through the internet? Most likely not. I mean it really seems doubtful. Some how some way these two psychics see eye to eye. The universe is playing games with me.
All my emails today were from people whose names are only two syllables.
Cops have an entire avenue shut down and are making us detour. It's mid morning and halfway between school and work. The lights from the police and ambulance vehicles aren't even dramatic mainly because it's day time. I'm making a left turn that is off my route when I see a person in a black body bag in the middle of the street. I find myself wondering if the person in the bag went off their route today. Then if so, maybe something horrible will happen to me. You always hear stories of people who change one part of a daily routine and an accident happens. This is a very erroneous way of thinking but let's be honest, this shit crosses our minds once in a while. I'm human... I think.
Thinking about this dead person, having a whole avenue dedicated to them, and changing my routine; Im reminded of something. When I was a kid, my mother double parked by the pharmacy near my house and left my brother and I in the car. I had to be at least 10 and in those days it was totally fine to run out to a store and leave your kids in the car. This was an open invitation for my brother and I to fight and scream at each other in "public" but right now, thats not what the point of my story is.
On this particular day, it was summer, I witnessed a suicide. Or an attempted suicide, I never found out the outcome. But even as a small child I understood what this man had set out to accomplish. I noticed a man on the opposite side of the street pacing and talking to himself. It was obvious he was agitated because it seemed he was yelling at himself and hitting his head. It frightened me and I hoped he wouldn't come to our car and steal my brother and I while my mother was in the store. This made me angry that my mother was taking so long, which probably led to me fighting with my brother.
The man kept looking out onto the street. Then a big white delivery truck came speeding down Avenue P and the man jumped right in front of the truck. People came running from all over, my mother finally came out of the store (probably worried something happened to us and would have to live with the guilt of abandoning us in a car for 1/2 hour). I remember telling my mother what the man did and she always insisted the man was hit by the truck by accident. I was always accused of having an over active imagination as a child but I know what I saw.
So, on my way to work I thought about body bags, suicides (or attempted), and how most accidents occur within three miles of home. I'm outside of the three mile radius, I'll be okay.
~I know this sounds morbid but could what we do and say on the internet be our black boxes when we die?
This will be quick and brief. (Like most of my relationships)
I've had the same song on repeat for the last hour. I think it's helping in my study efforts. Last minute efforts also seem to kick start my memory. I'm not even a procrastinator. Im changing my term paper to Child Suicide. The Boogeyman and Child development isn't working out so well for me. It seems much more fun than suicide but let's face it, my search for articles and research is coming up short. Let's abandon that idea.
I promise once tomorrow is over things here will pick up once again. I've been trying to write something of substance on here for days now but guilt and my social life has inhibited me from doing so. Sometimes the internet has to take a back seat to more important things.
I'll be up at five AM to try. Life is all about trying. Bukowski's gravestone reads "Dont Try". Contemplate.
It has been far too long since I've had anything constructive or interesting to say. I think in lieu of recent events there is definitely a storm brewing. It's me, I'm the storm. When I was a child, I always thought that it rained because I was feeling blue. It was almost like magic, the skies cried for me and I would watch while I would feel nothing. I blame this delusional thinking on television and movies of my youth. Everything was about magic and no matter what, good things happen in the end. Or I was the reason it was sunny outside, or rainy, if I dreamt something; it came true, if I lied about something; it came true out of punishment. I grew up basically thinking that I was the ruler of the universe and I controlled many things. I'm not quite sure I'm expressing these thought coherently because this is something so exclusive to my childhood and thoughts.
For today, the skies are crying for me because I can't cry anymore and they needed to pick up the slack. If Im miserable everyone in at least the tri-state needs to experience my misery through the weather. I always go off on tangents when I should just get to the point because as of right now, this is my only form of therapy. I think all that magical thinking has left me borderline emotionally unstable. Or maybe I am completely normal but people hide it better than I ever can. I just don't even want to discuss this because it's embarrassing to me and maybe I'll sound whiny or like a brat but I have to get it out.
I opened myself up to another man who fed me lines for my affections. Only to tell me there are no feelings there and that I might feel too strongly. It's completely absurd for this person to even come to this conclusion. Do I have to be devoid of all feelings and use men in order for them to feel anything for me? That's the impression that I get. This is why I doubt my own mental health I'm always getting kicked off my feet by men. Maybe I could offer some advice to men but I'm not sure if it's me or them anymore.
1. Don't compliment us. Keep us totally in the dark about what you think we look like or act like it makes things so much easier when you make up your minds and find; "Wow, I really dont like this girl and I dont want to continue a relationship."
2. Don't try to kiss us, hold hands with us, hug us or sleep with us if you aren't sure of your feelings. I mean come on here guys stop using us to get your limp dicks off. We have feelings we are easily upset. I don't want to spend a lifetime on my back while trusting you with my mind and emotions when you'll just turn around and say; "I have no feelings for you." I can't express how used I feel I've been used by every man I ever trusted. It's my fault I suppose for putting so much trust and faith in men.
3. If you're really secretly a loser and you think we are better than you please don't use us for our money.
4. If you know you're a loser treat us like a princess. But dont make us feel guilty of our situation because it only makes you feel better about yourself.
Im sure there are more advice I can offer but I am currently focused on the first two. This all came about from last night's phone conversation with another failed "almost been". Which I have now called the "last straw"
& my response to all my continuing disappointments I deleted my okcupid account. I remember when people were called "stalkers" and now they tamed it down to "visitors". I remember what things were like before I went to see that psychic for bad decisions month. I was hot shit and my blog was still funny. Maybe Im sending the wrong letters to the universe. Could it be that I think too much or feel too much and I have become so overly sensitive that anything becomes the hardest blow? I can honestly say I don't want to meet anyone anymore. I just need myself and my friends and my family. I do not have the capacity to love or care for anyone. None of you ever really deserved it but I gave it to you anyway.
For the first time in my life I will truly feel nothing.
In my previous post I made the following statement " I made a completely out of character decision today. It's going to pay off. All is well." This statement is a complete lie. My good decision did not pay off at all! I have lost all faith when it concerns love. So now I will do what I do all the time, tuck love into my back pocket until the bug creeps up my ass again. The contentment that I will never let myself down is certainly good enough for me. I should have settled on Holden Caulfield.
I know all of life's equations but I've never been good at math.
One day I'm going to be a therapist so get at me while I'm free.
I am regaining my title of Darling princess.
What October means to me;
Constant rotation of Horror movies
The reinvention of my fall wardrobe
Giving to charity.
Cider
Dead leaves
That elementary school feeling.
I interviewed for a promotion on Friday. Daniela told me about the power of positive thinking. And I taught everyone about sending off letters to the universe. I sent all my good life well balanced vibes to the universe. I hope the universe delivers.
I am moving out with Marianna. Pending the earlier statements.
My mother and I are walking in the Making Strides walk if you want to support us; give us your money.MONEY!
& since I no longer have the attention span to continue typing, I'll broadcast live.
October in its earliest stages has become the most fascinating month. I made a completely out of character decision today. It's going to pay off. All is well.
Being home depresses me sometimes more than work does. When Im at work, Im always "on". I play the role of always funny, always cheerful, always carefree Marissa. Im not saying this is an act or a farce; I am funny, cheerful and carefree. Anyway, at home it's hard for me to clear my head and not think of.... anything. I've had these issues all week. My remedy for this is shopping of course.
Purchases of this week include:
Ruby red Mac lipstick I am so satisfied about this purchase.
Vice subscription
New Aux cable
Flannels
Leggings
Jacket
More sequin shirts!
8 piece comforter set
Another week of binge shopping leaving me with a budget until I get paid on Thursday.
I'm watching a televison show where a woman is acusing her boyfriend of cheating on her. I could never understand why people get so paranoid when they are in a relationship. He wouldnt pick up his phone when she would call. Girl, get off his shit. Its not healthy and a little insane. Or he's just not that into you.
This weekend is free. I wanted to start my weekend off right because I never want to waste a great outfit on a workday or my bedroom. There are people who I need to see and there are those I want to see. They are different; perhaps ill get around to both. I think Zach Galifianakis needs to get his shit straight or at least get my number.
I'm wrestling the idea of my pajamas. Ill pretend that my dreams of being anywhere other than my room do not exist. However, taking a long warm bath with my lemongrass bath bomb, watching horror movies and eating popcorn sounds really inviting right now.
Overall, I am a happy well balanced, sweet girl.
Oh how very pin up!
-is that a good thing?
You look like a porcelin doll, he said.
-thats the look I've been going for since I was twelve.
Your lips look big and red! she said.
-i laugh because she's foreign.
Oh how I wish it would just rain
This red off my lips
You're my saddle partner
i. Reading the last thing I wrote. I have a fear people will search me on google and find my blog on a day where it hasn't been updated with something positive. What a horrible impression that would make. Because people do not disassociate an authors writing with the mental stability of the author. I don't need that kind of reputation. I suppose lately I have no inspiration in writing. I went to California, all I find myself saying is "Well, I'm back from California." I got back almost two weeks ago, I suppose.
ii. September's chapter is almost at an end and I have nothing to show for it. We did not make it to the emergency room or break into Grey Gardens. All I did was spend too much money on cosmetics and caffeine.I completed a major overhaul of my life. I also removed myself from the limelight. I still get emails from ex boyfriends which will never see a response. I don't get phone calls from you anymore and it worries me.
iii. I exhaust myself with the "hes just not that into you" complex. I decided to remove myself from that mindset and it has rewarded nicely. I'm trying to break away from what that psychic told me earlier this month. I'm giving myself my own spiritual cleansing.
Here is what has been happening since two weeks ago. (in chronological order)
Exhibit a.
Exhibit b.
Exhibit c.
Exhibit d.
I can't begin with a title because Im never that clever enough off the bat.
I arrived safely in Los Angeles yesterday. I hate abbreviating Los Angeles because I feel its so pretentious. OOOH IM IN LA. My plane ride was interesting. I sat next to two Japanese women who were working out their finances the entire flight. The stewardess wore this amazing red number from the 1950s with a red hat and her hair in a twist. She looked ridiculous as she fought with a passenger about over head bin space. The passenger was a real lovely person after telling off the stewardess and a fellow passenger for trying to help her out. She was obviously upset daddy stuck her in coach and not first class next to Kobe Bryant. You know, shit happens and I wish that's all that I would have to worry about.
Ive been nervous about this flight for a week already. Which is something completely out of character for me, I could fly a plane myself and not be worried. OK well, that might be stretching the truth a bit. Delta lied, there was no wifi on the plane. I felt cheated and confused. I had no idea how to entertain myself I tried to read but I wasnt in the mood for Holden. I couldn't decide who I wanted to listen to, Dusty Springfield or The Smiths. I ended up listening to you singing about a time I couldn't relate to. You always give me goosebumps and Ive always wanted to know you then so I could feel something with you. We're older and jaded now and feel nothing anymore.
I got bored of playing scrabble on my ipod and out of habit I was checking my email on my phone which, because of lack of wifi, was not happening. What I ended up doing was watching the hang over on the tiny screen infront of me, took a two hour nap and the next thing I knew, I was in Los Angeles. I didnt want to think anymore of the plane going down with this group of people whom I wouldn't want to share that experience with.
Im in a lovely house with a dog who is waiting for the chance to bite me. My mother misses me already and I miss her too. The older I get the sappier I am but Im still a cold bitch according to most. Im going to harden my heart. I went to visit dead celebrities yesterday, when I just wanted to see michael jackson. I heard they put him in a childs casket, is that true Diana Ross? I settled for Rodney Dangerfield. Im in a really amazing area of West Hollywood. Im going to venice beach today with the dog. Maybe my bad decisions month wish of an E.R. trip will happen! Marissa, mauled by pet schnauzer on vacation, missing eye and ear and pinky finger. I mentioned I needed to see the season finale of True Blood because Ive watched it religiously and if I miss it, it will be the end of the world. If thats all I have to worry about...
I've spent no money so far. I am spoiled Im also an easy date. I had dreams about this place when I wanted to dream about New York. I wanted to be in two places at once. It's 8:40 am and I should be sleeping for another two hours and Ive been up since 7. Ill go and agonize about what to wear today Ive seen fat girls in shorts so I feel at ease now.
